Lately I’ve been feeling a feeling of uneasiness. A little lost, unsure of things and always second guessing myself and others.

I’ve got these racing thoughts and I’m having difficulty sorting everything out. I’ve said it once before where I hate the feeling of not being able to have control of certain things… but I just can’t let it go.

Those of you who REALLY know me, know that I’m (for the most part) really upbeat, happy, spontaneous and outgoing and I don’t dwell on shit. I always try to stay bubbly and never want to show any signs of hurt or sadness. I’m not depressed… I’m just overwhelmed with shit.  

I’ve been focused on bettering things that are going on in my life. My mom has been my crutch through everything that’s been going on… my lord if I didn’t have her I don’t even know where I’d be at this moment. Probably an insane asylum somewhere. Cliche, I know. But it’s literally been one thing after another… I get real bummed out about it for a couple days and then I pick myself up and move on… it’s just I’ve been so bummed out about a couple of things that I have to just understand I have no control over and to just give up. I don’t want to give up, but I feel I don’t have any other choice.

There are some people who have left my life for the better… and others I can’t shake the feeling of “what happened?” It really does break my heart… and I don’t have the stamina nor the patience anymore because I’m so worn thin. I tried… But, I don’t think the feeling is the same and I’m not going to waste my time if you’re not giving any of yours… it doesn’t work like that… but you can go ahead and blame me… because it’s always my fault right? 

So… I’m going to continue to focus on myself. My happiness and my well being are most important. Go ahead and call me selfish… I’ve never put myself first, EVER. I always put my friends and family first and never give a rats ass about myself. However, it’s time that I stop worrying about what everyone else thinks. I am who I am and I give my all to everything that I set out to do and I give my whole heart in every relationship (friend or love). I’m the same person I’ve always been. Take it or leave it.