These last 6-8 months have been the most challenging months I’ve endured probably since my grandmother passed away or when I ended things with my boyfriend — both happened 4-5 years ago.
After the past month or two, and a couple conversations I’ve had with good friends of mine, I’ve realized that I am incredibly too hard on myself.
People who I’ve held close, I’ve pushed away, doors have closed and others turned their backs on me. I don’t normally dwell on things and I’m not bitter. It’s just not in my nature, but I didn’t choose to fix anything because, I was hurt and had too much pride to admit it. I just kind of gave up when I saw the other parties stopped caring. (So it seemed, from my point of view.)
I blamed myself for a lot, for a while, but at the same time, thought if things were meant to be different, wouldn’t the other person(s) try to contact me? Try to make amends, to fix things? It’s hard when you don’t know how the other person feels. Maybe they just needed space? Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.
Another friend made me realize that I’m never going to get answers to anything unless I learn to open up to people. They told me although I love voicing my opinions, I never express my feelings. This statement rang in the back of my mind for a few moments. They were absolutely right. I hide my feelings. I don’t show any emotion. I’ve said it before, I don’t like people knowing my business or seeing when I am down in the dumps. “You’ve got to learn to let your guard down, because slowly, you’re going to push everyone away.” It’s incredibly hard for me to do that. I’ve never been good at expressing how I feel. I bottle things up. I have too much pride. I’m afraid of getting taken advantage of and showing any signs of weakness.
Friend told me I am incredibly driven, level headed and that I know what I want and go for it. Some people find it intimidating.
I’ve always been independent. I was taught at a very young age that if I wanted anything or to go anywhere in life, I had to work hard and fight for it. Although I have my parents to thank for a lot and they’ve helped me get out of some pretty sticky situations, they in no way have spoon fed me anything.
Everything that I have, I’ve worked incredibly hard for and have rightfully earned. I’m a very hard working and determined person. I might be stubborn sometimes, but it’s within reason. If I want something, I get it. There’s nothing else to say.
We all have done things we’re not proud of. We all have imperfections and there’s always room for improvement. No one is perfect. I’ve spent almost my entire life trying to be perfect. It’s exhausting. Now, I’m learning to let go.
I’ve been trying to live a more happier lifestyle. I’ve been trying new things, living healthier, visiting new places, meeting new people and enrolled myself into school. I’m always trying to be the best person I can possibly be.
I’m learning to reach out. I’m learning to express my feelings. I am trying.
so much i need to say…
it’s so hard to put my thoughts into words.
it’s kind of like fighting in a dream… you’re in trouble… and every time you throw a punch, it’s in slow motion or misses the attacker.
It’s not fair… to find you there, waiting on. I don’t care… I care.. way too much..